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Its · all · in · my · head
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I would like to officially erase my life from second semester freshman year to this day. I have not dated anyone, I have not fallen in love, I'm half a virgin, and no one has disappointed me. I wouldn't mind a few million in my bank account and a beach house in Malibu. |
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It was an accident. A complete accident. I didn't want this. I don't know what to do. I shouldn't like him, but I do. He doesn't like me. Gah.. I'm frustrated. |
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I have a dream that I kissed Alvaro last night. It scared me a little because I knew that it was a dream and I couldn't wake up from it. I still kissed him though, kinda weird. It felt a little different from when I remembered it. And this is sort of a trend. The same thing happened with JT in a dream a week ago, and Guy a week or so before that. I won't lie, they were all good kissers in their time, exceptionally good, but I don't want to be dreaming about them. ) ok weirdness over. Resume activities. |
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I just read something and it makes me irritated. I shouldn't be, but I am. Who know who I've woken up next to for the last 3 months? Hishpy when she comes in to sleep in my bed, or one or more of three cats on Matty's couches. I haven't been to a party in forever, and I feel completely worthless as a bachelor. I'm doing great academically, fan-fucking-tastic actually. I work a decent amount of time each week. I have great friends and basicly two homes. My social scene is good, great even, one that leaves me happy but lacking something. I'm so hopelessly in love with A Fine Frenzy- Almost Lovers Oh if anyone cares my birthday is in 25 days.
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I've started a new semester and I hope things go well with classes. Schedule:
CAS100A
HRIM 335
HRIM 350
HRIM 202
Nutr 119
EGEE 101 I'm actually afraid of two, 335 (Hospitality Accounting), and 350 (Operations Management). I get them so far, but I don't know how long thats going to last. I am the proud owner of a University Fitness membership. I put it to use 10 minutes after I hit the "Purchase" button. I really hope its used as often as last semester. Maybe just maybe, I'll feel better about whatever it is that keeps me down. I'm scared of other things besides classes. Boys scare me. My history scares me and it seems to be popping up everywhere. I have that empty feeling again, and I hate that. I really, really hate the way it consumes any bit of happiness I might have. God this year, I have such low expectations. My 21st is probably the only thing thats going to be cheerful. Yay :( |
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I was going to see Stardust tonight, but it got canceled and I'm left without plans. I really have nothing to do, and there is a severe lack of persons to visit. and just like that I've decided I don't want to write on here anymore.. |
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So I over reacted to something the other day. To me, and to my heart it was probably the biggest break I'd ever experienced. I upset and worried my friends, all for a bad choice of words. I was such a fool. My friends, and the boy I'm falling in love with, seem to have forgiven me. They're not letting me off easy, they expect things, and I expect to live up to their expectations. Speaking of the boy I'm falling in love with, I want to make a correction to that. I am in love with him. I always was. I was a little blinded by my insecurity, and afraid of getting my heart broken again, but I love him more than ever. Working two jobs is getting to me, I'm stressed out a lot lately. I have no time. I'm eating poorly, and I'm skeletal my family says. bah i tell them. I just need the money, I can't afford to live here without it. |
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I'm a little upset. I can't say way, there could be so many reasons. I just know that I feel worthless, someone started me on that road today. He didn't mean to, but he did. I'm upset about little things the past few days. I've been stress eating, because I now know the difference between hunger and anxiety. I wasn't before, why am I now? I'm still not sure weather my plans for the next couple weeks are going to work. I know what I want, but I don't always know what I need. It worries me, it really does, that I don't know where to go in my life sometimes. I didn't want.... I can't stop thinking about... I love... I miss... I'm everywhere. |
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Its better this way right? No stress, no anxiety.... its better right? This song has been the only thing I've listened to since last night. It has me on the edge of tears everytime. I just wanted a moment. feelings, old and new, find their way into my life. I just have to figure out which to follow and which to forget. |
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I've given up on boys... until such time as I can handle my own mess. Believe me I have a fucking huge mess on my own, I can't handle anyone else's. The last couple of weeks has been so crazy. When it comes to guys, I can't even deal with it sometimes. I miss Rico, I miss so many things about him. The memory of just his touch makes me.... even the memory of his morning breath makes me smile sometimes... pathetic I know. Anyway, he's with other boys. They know that touch, they know what his kiss feels like, they get to be around him. *Insert ice water over my head* Whatever trust I had with him before is diminishing. A kiss won't feel the same, a touch won't be as deep, and I don't know if I'll get to be around him anymore. I can't handle a relationship right now, its been made crystal clear for me to see all along but I didn't want to see it. I do miss the comforts of having a relationship, but not enough to throw myself into one and end up hurting both of us. Its not fair, life's not fair, I'll get over it, I'll live with it for now. I do have someone I want to get to know him better though, and just that. It proves tricky when he's traveling around the US for two months, and has already graduated. Its just something new; I have the right to that. - In more general news. I'm staring at a bottle of Zoloft on my desk. Its new. I got drunk and started smoking last night. I only smoke when I'm stressed. Don't preach about drinking and anti-depressants, I could write a book on my experiences with the two.
Current Mood: |
 blah | |
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Whatever reference you can make about that title is completely true. It has been too long. I'm starting to try yoga today. Its supposed to calm you and like I told my manager last night "it never hurts to be more limbre." lol.. this post is redic. I'm just in that kind of mood.
Current Mood: |
 mischievous | |
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I danced with a guy at the cell block last night. Fun times I guess, but since he was only 18 and from around my hometown it wasn't that exciting. However, while dancing with this guy, a girl walks past and BITES ME. On the shoulder, then stumbles down the stairs and way from me. I will never return to a bar until my 21st. |
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I'm kinda under a lot of stress. I was under it so much so that I passed out last night, on my couch, at 11:30. Today I feel fine, alright, iffy and I don't feel like doing anything, but since I have work tonight I guess I have to. I'm not getting nearly enough hours at work. I'll soon be poor and working the corners. I'm lost. |
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I'm disappointed. You make my decisions so much easier by what you've done, and what you do. goodnight. |
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I'm seriously fucked right now. brighter note: Anthony came in for the weekend; and we're having a fun time hanging out with S&M and Alison. I drank thursday night, I drank last night, and I'll probably be drinking tonight. I really need to go running/join the gym finally. I totally look good the morning after I drink, but eventually I will grow a gut. I can't have that. :) Anth, Alison and I are going to Olive Garden for lunch as soon as Alison gets a shower and gets ready. I really hope I have time for lunch before I go to work at 1. More later. |
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I just wasted away 4 hours on a couch. No, more than that. I laid there, not even watching tv, just listening to the sounds. I tired several times to get up, I even made it to the kitchen to fix something to eat. I got something, then found myself on a couch again. I fell asleep, you'd barely call it that, I was tossing and on the edge of consciousness. I couldn't find the rest I needed or the strength I know I have to do something else. I was stuck in a place I hated, but I couldn't get away from. So you know how I figured that my depression was gone, I kinda realize it was just hidden under the massive pile of things in my life that I HAD to deal with, right then and there. Without something to distract me I fall into a rut. I'm falling into a rut and I want to claw and scratch myself out of it, but today I couldn't. I feel absolutely worthless.
Current Mood: |
blank | |
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ok So I'm a cryptic, relationship junkie. I've realized this, and I'm going through the different steps to work toward my goal. On happier notes. 1. Treavor is here! There is a party in his honor tomorrow, I plan to attend. 2. Anthony is coming here this weekend. I've missed him, we'll probably end up getting drunkity drunk and laughing the whole weekend. 3. I'm in love with running. 4. Its my brother and sister's birthday, or was depending on when you read this. 5. well I'll just leave 5 as a space to be filled. I am however. 1. Going to try and switch departments at Wegman's. I hate the deli and the people who work there. 2. Go to the doctors this week. For reasons I'm not going to discuss. I miss my friends, especially the most wonderful Julia, who just moments ago made my night, no my day or perhaps my week with a livejournal comment with the title "She turned me into a newt!.. I got better." My favorite line from the movie that brought us closeer together. I really can't wait to see all of them, together or apart, its like pieces of me are scattered all over the place. I love Say Anything, the band, and I curse you john ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dharmabum815 for getting me addicted to them. No dates in sight, no one to date in sight. It's cool. I swear. Cut me off cold turkey. |
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Life sucks, I was supposed to go to an open interview but something happened and I didn't go. I need to find another job, something that pays what I get now. I'm switching departments at Wegman's too, I can't do that shit anymore. Not after the shifts I've been getting and working with the people that I do. They're a joke, except for 1 guy, and I'm embarrassed to work with them. I'm officially too shy to meet new people. With that said I probably won't be seeing anyone, going out on dates, or sleeping with anyone this summer. Yay for being a monk. I suck.
Current Mood: |
 discontent | |
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